stinging sensation

i keep rubbing dirt in my wounds.

then they get worse.

then...they hurt more.





why do i keep rubbing dirt in my wounds?

you

you are near to me
you are my heart
you are love
you are perfect
you are caring
you are there for me
you are listening
you are answering

you can be close to me
you you can work through me
you can love me
you can fix me
you can take care of me
you can help me
you can hear me
you can answer me

you will draw me close
you will be in me
you will love me
you will fix me
you will protect me
you will be there
you will listen
you will answer

i will run to you
i will hide in your arms
i will feel your love
i will not be harmed
i will call to you
i will hear your reply
i will not be ashamed
i will be filled with joy

i will love you
you will love me
you can heal me

you are mine

provoking provocative thoughts

think about it,

what do YOU do when you're in a group that's praying.
i mean sure, you may be leaned forward, head down, fingers softly intwined in one another...that's not what i'm getting at.

what is your attitude...?
is it "c'mon hurry it up! i got places to be?"
maybe, "well that's dumb...you should've said this..."

but i think...I think, that probably the most common thought/action during prayer is thinking "what will I(me) pray?"

me me me. i i i. it's so selfish.
the last thing you should be doing when someone else is sharing their heart with God and you, is planning out the most impressive huge-word-filled speech you can. this person next to you is being raw. honest. and we can't muster up enough respect to LISTEN!

we're pathetic. I'M pathetic (i'm writing this out of remorse for my own actions)

basically what i'm trying to say is, just listen. pray along with the person. God doesn't want a speech, he wants a conversation.


who are we trying to impress? God? i hope not, man that's embarrassing.

are we trying to impress the guy next to us? why?! he's not gonna judge you for saying "um"

be real, be honest, be selfless and humble. me too

thanks


.gabriel.

pain or gain?

my hands are blistered,
my fingertips are cracking,
but still there seems to be a knack for which i am lacking.

try as i may,
it's all in dismay
yet this desire still will not go away.

why is it, though,
while i try so hard,
that the goal in sight seems still so far.

i can only guess,
why i've been dealt this card.
i still, still, still, still...can't play guitar.



.gabriel.

now i'm here. here i'll stay

sometimes...i drink out of custard bowls cuz it makes me feel like i'm in japan.

sometimes...i walk around the mall with a british accent cuz i wish i was british and people stare.

sometimes...i pretend i'm playing the piano or guitar for a huge audience because it makes me feel cool and successful.

everytime...that i think about what i have now, i'm happier than all of these things combined.

.gabriel.

college life...almost

dear college,
as you know, i've been going to you for almost a week now. you started off slow but i must say...you've picked up the pace quite well. although i'm still waiting to become fully acquainted with you, i feel our relationship will be as thick and beneficial as any. the joy you bring me by...introducing me to new students, or interesting classes is, unfortunately, unable to be described. but i believe that in the weeks and months to come, these already wonderful happenings will be embarrassed by the shear pleasure of greater things to come. i thank you for accepting me for who i am college, with no expectations or judgments. there are not many out there willing to do that. i thank you for your help, and wisdom, and willingness to accomodate my busy schedule. i look forward to the year ahead.
your humble and grateful student,
.gabriel.

...the thought i cant get rid of...

pfffff

lately i've been unable to rid myself of this thought, or series of thoughts.
and that is...NOTHING we do, without exception, nothing we want or think about, is deserved. and this has been pulling on my heart lately.
ive been feeling frustrated or cheated by my life and it's happenings, and i've realized...so what?!

if every moment is a gift. who are we to complain about ANY moment?
in youth group for example, and rock the river, i have been feeling frustrated about how monotonous the announcements are seeming to be come, and how broken record like they seem to sound. but it's such a good message and ministry, i feel like stupid's stupider younger brother.

the moment i laid back and let Christ lead me, i all of a sudden was talking to a friend from work who's interested in church and christianity, and now, i'm going to this incredible christian concert with him.

so from experience...i want to encourage anyone and everyone who reads this (i don't care if you do cuz it makes me feel better) to realize everything you have, was not gained by merit or right. it was a gift from our sovereign savior, and THAT, is something to cherish.

thanks




.gabriel.

no title can describe

thank you God so much for what you've given me.you know what it is. and if you read this, you'll know what its about.

innocent until proven guilty

recently i've been thinking about how i can defend my faith. if someone came up to me and said, God doesn't exist, what would i say? and i've come up with this. i'd say

prove it.

its just like the judicial system, people are innocent until proven guilty, and God exists until proven otherwise.

people used to think the world was flat, so the world was flat until it was proven to be false.



think about if a friend asked you if you had a sister, if you do you'd say yes. but if a friend says prove it and you can't at the time, that does not mean you don't have a sister.


i've taken comfort in knowing i don't need to defend God's existence


he takes care of that himself.



.gabiel.

winter

I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stand somehow
Thinkin' of winter
The name is the splinter inside me
While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still

Oh I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

winters cold to summers hold

this year i'm not that excited about summer which is a first.

this summer is bringing a lot of things and most of them aren't great. usually i can't wait for thunderstorms and beaches and oh! be still my beating heart...ultimate frisbee.

but with this three months comes an overload of work, preparing for college, saving everything i earn and still managing to maintain friendships and a strong relationship with God.

i love summer, i love the distractions that start to come at the end of another tedious year of school.

but this is rough.

this is hard, please pray for me.



.gabriel.

last wednesday night

tonight was the last connection of the year, seniors are leaving, some people i won't see again and...what did i do?


played frisbee.


i don't think our church really does goodbye's. people just seem to leave.


this makes me sad.




.gabriel.

in regards to

in regards to my future wife.




I love you



.gabriel.

words are words

words are confusing.

they can be deceitful, or the root of honesty.

but how do we know when they're what?

trust.

it comes down to trust.

...i wish everyone told the truth.

someone

who makes me smile, laugh, want to be open, someone i can be myself around. someone i want to talk to when i'm upset, someone who i'm so comfortable with...we can sit in silence and still have an amazing time.
that someone is who i want...

.gabriel.

Cup

half empty or half full? depends on if you just filled it, or took a drink...

for christi, forever ago.

i am who i am.


but who is that?

lately i've been trying to figure out who i am and what i want. i think i've got the first part pretty figured out, but as for what i want...no one knows less than me.

the title of this blog is due to christi saying she enjoys my writing style. which got me thinking why?

so my attempt at what i want. i want to honest, like in writing. artistic, like in art. i want to be healthy, i want to be happy, i want to be like Christ. i want what God wants for me.

the problem is, i dont always get that. and i don't always know who i am.

so what do i do about that?


.gabriel.

homeschool

as some of you may know, if you ever read this, i was public schooled until halfway throught ninth grade. i am now homeschooled. i enjoy homeschool very much for somethings.but i miss people. i see my friends twice a week. my best friend and i barely get to hang out. and when we do, theres usually lots of people around and its very impersonal. so i cant wait for college next year. and a license in a month. and social interaction soon.


.gabriel.

butterfly in a hurricane

people. and object of research since Adam tried to figure out eve. I, like a butterfly, have gone completely out my league. getting caught in a hurricane of emotions, being tossed back and forth, up and down and around until I have lost all sense of direction. all while trying to figure out people.


but people much smarter than me have tried this and, they too failed. I imagine feeling the same sensation that I recently have.


so my point. why should I, a fifteen year old boy, be able to figure out humans when even those incredible minds before me have not been able to.

I shouldn't.

so I think I'll stop trying so hard...


and let my savior lead me.

*sigh*

.gabriel.